BE STRONG

Be Strong.
Those are the words everybody seems to say to me when i'm faced with a certain situation that i ask myself, am i not strong enough?
N.m.a seems to think i am this iron lady, that i can do anything and be anyone, almost like a hero, and that is sweet of her but doesn't a hero need rest too, time to re-energize him or herself?
To tell you the truth, i have hated this words so much in my entire life but i must give credit to those same words because in reality those are the words that have gotten me to where i am.In those hard moments when they told me to be strong, i thought long and hard and i thought if i gave up then i'd let down not me but others too who had faith in me, faith that i could do and undergo what was before me so i stood my ground and was; STRONG.
In telling us to be strong our loved ones do not mean we are weak, instead they mean we can overcome, that they wish us only the best and that they are with us every step of the way.

MOMENTS OF HELP...........

There are moments in life where we think those around us need saving. Moments where they seem headed for the worst and we hope to erase it even before it happens. We all need saving at one point or another. We all want someone who will believe in us even when we show the worst of ourselves, who will think we are a good egg even when we are slightly cracked.
I tread that life most days, and on most days its a worthy cause, its a way of life and it puts a smile across my face but on other days, its hard because those we wish to save do not want to be saved. I have come to realize that it is not saving anymore, its helping, its caring but at the end it is up to them not us. It is their choice because ultimately it is their life and we have no control over it.

APPOINTMENT WITH GOD

I  have been waiting for this day for a long time, I have been inquiring to see whether angel Gabriel made this appointment for me and finally the day has come. I have come to ask you all the questions my heart has been burdened with. 

They talk about you everywhere, especially in those houses they claim you live in-churches .You are omnipresent, surrounding us everywhere. some even claim to see you yet you are invisible. I feel sorry for this pathetic lot, sorry that they believe in who they cannot see or touch. They call me a doubting Thomas, tell me that I am doomed but I choose to only be logic. 

We have become such a religious lot.You see every corner there is a preacher: anointed or not preaching your word. In fact there is one along Moi avenue who was a coffin thief turned preacher. He used to steal expensive coffins from the dead.The obituaries were his favorite part of the newspaper, after all its how he earns his bread. He and his comrades did this job for three years before one day they were cornered by the police. A shoot out ensued and his comrades were killed so he decided to lay in one of the coffins.The police thought it was a dead body and as soon as they shifted their eyes, he bolted out of the coffin and ran like a mad man. 

He now preaches to your people on the street, telling them how he has changed, rich people have been buried but since "amevumilia"  he has not dared to  touch those coffins. The preaching however will cost you, a little here and there to help the man of the cloth. Is this what religion has become? I refuse to accept it then. They keep telling me that I should believe in you. I'm better off that way or that I should so that I can receive your promises. They do not believe in you because they can rather because they are afraid of reproach or because the promises seem too enticing like a pyramid scheme. 

She-Li slept almost a decade a go.Bright brown eyes, glowing skin and a heart of gold. She was the light of our lives but that monster took her, you let it take her. For a moment I believed in you so that you could save her and for a lifetime I gladly would have but it took her. All those prayers  just for nothing going into your inbox just like tea to a cup and overflowing just immediately. I will admit that I never showed her ho much she meant but I guess I'm human; not appreciative. 

People seem to walk in and out of this life, rushing to somewhere  but not anywhere in particular .I therefore refuse to hold unto anyone, to portray that emotion you claim to be the greatest-love. The ones you love are the ones who tear you apart, that hurt you.They greet you with a smile and a warm handshake yet the other hand is holding a knife at the back. 

A.A walked. He walked and never thought of what he left behind  but lately he wants in.He wants to return without a sorry or any remorse.He thinks he deserves it, he owns this name and therefore owns me but I refuse to let go. Your good book teaches Forgiveness.the believers keep telling me that it is not for him but for me, so that I can sleep peacefully at night. If this is the price of sleep well no thanks!  I refuse to do it. 

Sam, someone I loved and respected.It has been five years and a journey of a lifetime.In my moments of sadness, happiness, in my silence and in moments where I rambled about nothing in particular, he was there. He listened. I failed a million times but he was there to pick me up, to dust me and put me back on the road, never accepting when I threw in the towel.He was patient and perhaps too forgiving and he too had to leave.You had to take him away leaving me scarred. 

Everyone has to leave, even you have left at times. It feels like you just stepped out for some sunshine and a moment of relaxation but everything went wrong, horribly wrong. Brother killing a brother, where did the love meant to be there go? People killing each other, practicing an arm for an arm. Politicians putting hatred in the people to wipe each other out, talking of this community and that community not being good enough as theirs.You might say that the devil is at work, hard at work and so people are falling for his temptations more but you forget, he was one of yours. The one destined for greatness in your kingdom. 

You may ask, "Why do I rage if all this does not matter?". I rage because of this.I ask you," Is my life meant to spent fighting this monster everyday? Spent wishing they were here? I'm I meant to live in solitude, willing to hold unto people but afraid that they will  leave or better yet stab me in the back?" Loss as I have come to know is a season of life just like summer, autumn, winter and spring are.Everyone has to lose something in order to get to where they are going, someone in order to face life as they should; shield less. 

"Do I want it back? All that I have lost? All that was dear to me? Does it mean that much to me?". No, perhaps in that other lifetime. I still don't know why it happened or what it meant.I could however tell you that I am a better person than I was. I am a better sister, friend, daughter and so much more to come.I needed to journey to here to know how to stand on my own, how to be strong even in moments of weakness and perhaps to try and hold unto people with their faults. 

I live now with peace in my heart and even though I still do not believe in you, I believe in people just like you.