LISTEN TO MY CHILD

               

I look for my words, perhaps they are hiding in my closet. No, they seem not to be there. I look under my bed; they might be hiding there and waiting to haunt me at the right time, waiting to jump in my face so that I could notice them more clearly or waiting till my mind is open to receive them so that they can invade it without competition.

You see, every idea is brilliant….. Until I sit down and unravel it. I take off the glittery paper that is its cover but then I do it wrongly; I end up ruining the gift that I wonder am I worthy to receive? My works seems to stand still because of this, because I cannot seem to unwrap my gift with the dexterity it deserves but does it mean I am lost?

I read all over again the words I have scribbled before and I think that it was not me who wrote it, perhaps they made a clone out of me who was too brilliant than I am for I do not recall ever birthing those words and yet at the top of the page it says, BRENDA MO ANGWENYI so I choose to believe in that tiny piece of information.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply hoping that the words will come with the air that flows into my lungs but nope, nothing there. It downs on me that I am looking for the words I think they will think are great. They? The reader. I am glancing over my shoulder to see if he will approve or will sigh or frown in which it’s an indication that I should erase my words and listen to him. So I chase the reader out of the room, despite his protests that he is here only as my aid.

Am I my works? Yes and No. Yes, for they are a part of who I am and No because they do not reflect what the world thinks or doesn’t think I am. I cannot compare myself to the greats that have been gracing different literary magazines and awards but in either case I can only care of measuring up to my own standards and that is by listening.

If I stop to listen to my words, they will run away from me and get adopted by someone else. They will denounce me as their mother and I will die of loneliness. If I fail to listen then I will fail to communicate and I love to talk, I love to give my name to my child so I listen.

Given Freely.

I don't know who to turn to or who to trust. These past few days have been like a wound that won't heal or go away.
I look into the faces around me, hoping to see some truth in each of them.
Today i seem to have their love, tomorrow i have lost it as fast as i gained it. The words i say are not out of just saying but out of need, they do not understand that i say it because i mean it and out of care.
I'm not after the big thing in life, maybe because i lost them ages ago, I'm just here for the small things, things i cannot buy instead be given freely.

All i Know...............

Today i woke up feeling a tinge of missing you. I pretend i don't know why, think of calling you before my sane self kicks in. I always run, run when everyone thinks i ought to stand and wait (i guess it comes from my rebellion of not wanting to be told what to do). Leaving isn't always easy and no matter how many have walked out, i cant pretend that it gets easier. It doesn't, u think about it, you strategize of how if things went your way  nothing would be wrong then you hit reality, that everything did go wrong and there is nothing you can do.
I'd rather walk away with my pride left, i did what i did, i said what i felt and now i can take the end result of it. Is it easier for me? No.

Do i know what the future holds for us? No.

I don't know that and much more and i wouldn't unless i bought a snowing globe where i could shake it every time i wanted to see my future. All i know is that it gets easier, not easier like snapping your fingers but easier like trying to teach a child his alphabets and with time it is a distant memory.

Nothing Big.

Talking to strangers has always been easy you know,  they don't know you so they wont judge most times and they probably get it when those around seem not to get it........but be careful it may sting you when you are not watching.
I thought you were a preety cool dude(i still do), you got character, good conversation and the most amazing person to hang around with. I said i liked you,i like your conversation, character and all but doesn't mean im hitting you. I still respect the lady.On most days,ur cool. On other days, you think i got a motive. I know trust is earned but i also know i have proven myself so cast your "stupid" fears aside. well maybe for a sec you should think and know that im just trying to be your  friend, nothing big.

DO YOU BELIEVE?

Do you believe in yourself? Really believe in yourself? Most of us say we do but words and actions are different. We speak but yet we wont own it through our actions.
When i was young, i had trouble letting go of the past(we all do at some point). I had lost a sister to sickle cell and i thought i might as well give up on myself so for a year i did not take my meds, only when i felt 'good' enough would i take. My mum finally found out and she tried to get me back to taking the meds but she couldn't get through to me until she said, " I believe you are going to get better, i have always believed since you were born but you are growing up and you need to have your own faith. I have faith in you but my faith cannot save you if you do not have faith in yourself." I immediately went back to taking my meds.
Truth is most days we want the world to believe in us yet we do not believe in ourselves. We want the world to validate us and it is not necessary.
Your faith is who you are, it is what makes the dreams that you have a reality..........so believe in yourself, own it!

BE STRONG

Be Strong.
Those are the words everybody seems to say to me when i'm faced with a certain situation that i ask myself, am i not strong enough?
N.m.a seems to think i am this iron lady, that i can do anything and be anyone, almost like a hero, and that is sweet of her but doesn't a hero need rest too, time to re-energize him or herself?
To tell you the truth, i have hated this words so much in my entire life but i must give credit to those same words because in reality those are the words that have gotten me to where i am.In those hard moments when they told me to be strong, i thought long and hard and i thought if i gave up then i'd let down not me but others too who had faith in me, faith that i could do and undergo what was before me so i stood my ground and was; STRONG.
In telling us to be strong our loved ones do not mean we are weak, instead they mean we can overcome, that they wish us only the best and that they are with us every step of the way.

MOMENTS OF HELP...........

There are moments in life where we think those around us need saving. Moments where they seem headed for the worst and we hope to erase it even before it happens. We all need saving at one point or another. We all want someone who will believe in us even when we show the worst of ourselves, who will think we are a good egg even when we are slightly cracked.
I tread that life most days, and on most days its a worthy cause, its a way of life and it puts a smile across my face but on other days, its hard because those we wish to save do not want to be saved. I have come to realize that it is not saving anymore, its helping, its caring but at the end it is up to them not us. It is their choice because ultimately it is their life and we have no control over it.